A Heavy-Handed Analogy Concerning The Author’s Present Circumstance

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Franklin: “Happy to have you aboard! I think you’re really going to love it here.”

Isaac: “Me too! I’m excited to join the team!”

The two shook hands in a symbolic consummation of their professional relationship – the gesture to make spiritually official what was already ‘official’ in a more literal sense. Franklin held the signed employment agreement in his left hand, smiling as he cordially showed Isaac to the exit with his right.

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Imagining a banal Facebook post by someone who wants you to believe they love their job.

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Amazing day at the office today!

This morning, had to break into a half-jog because Greg from Accounts held the door for an awkwardly considerate distance (Thanks Greg! So thoughtful!). Then my computer took a while to start up because of a software update, which gave me a chance to enjoy Joanne’s usual pop-in (most days I’m a tiny bit distracted when she drops by). She is such a quirky lady – I hope her husband finds out what’s causing him to be so gassy these days. Love you Joanne!

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Introducing…the Coworker

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The Coworker.

*pause for visceral response*

The list of potential Jeopardy! questions to which “What is a Coworker?” would make you hundreds of dollars richer* is endless:

Someone who might sneak a bite of the cured meat stick you left in the communal fridge.

Nobody is more likely to make you seethe silently than THIS skyscraper cohabitant.

You don’t give a shit about her daughter’s dance class, but you DO like chocolate-covered almonds.

(I’ll take ‘Characters Who Make You Contemplate Seppuku‘ for $600, Alex!)

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The Anatomy of a Middle Manager

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The poster on his wall is tastefully sized but well placed, so as to immediately catch the  eye of whoever enters the office that houses it. Its visual appeal and syntactical clumsiness distract from the fact that it offers no substantive advice for actually achieving the success that it assures you is within reach. It’s hung next to a series of framed documents: a Bachelor’s degree, professional credentials, and a certificate awarded at the conclusion of a one-day workshop on time management. If you look closely, you will notice that these proudly displayed artifacts collectively comprise the series of acronyms found in their owner’s email signature, after his name and a couple of lines above the italicized quote imploring you to “seize the day”.

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