Selling Out


If the title of this post conjures up images of Tickle-Me Elmo, Furby or any other consumer craze for which people have had “the crotch yanked out of [their] brand-new jeans“, I think that’s a good start. Granted, I have no interest in causing personal injury, nor is this blog of much comfort as a cuddle buddy (trust me – I’ve tried). But while we don’t actually need to leave a wasteland of trampled mullets in our wake, that’s the kind of energy we’re after here. Ideally, I’d like to know that if the survival of this website depended on at least one of its followers administering a People’s Elbow in a crowded Walmart in December, you would all wake up the next morning to a steaming heap of new WCP content. Not asking you to do that now, but think about it – just in case…

I’ve been (annoyingly) upfront about this, from the beginning: part of my motivation here is to have this stuff read by as many people as possible (for reasons specified in that first piece). I won’t needlessly belabour the point and I promise that if this blog survives, I won’t continue to devote every other post to checking in on its progress. But in much the same way that the 973rd day of kicking your drywall-eating habit is not as notable as day 1, this is the stage at which I must openly grovel to you in order to generate momentum of readership. Think of yourself as an illustrious Senior Vice President and me as the lowly intern, eager to make an impression that might put me on the fast track to middle management. (Once I’m CEO, naturally, I will cease to give a shit about any of you. Just kidding. Please put down the HR complaint form.)

So, yeah. I don’t know what this will become (at this point: so far, so good), but whatever that eventual destination is, I’ll need your help in getting there.

Here’s why I’m bringing this up now:

We’ve gone top-level!
You may have noticed that “” is no more (but will still redirect you to the right place). The new home of my joyful cynicism is, simply, So that tattoo you were about to get, of the URL of this blog? Update it accordingly. And note that you now have more space to get inked with the names of celebrity crushes that will one day suffer calamitous public disgrace. You’re welcome.

We’re on facebook!
If, in 2016, a relationship isn’t official until it’s “facebook official”, then I can’t justifiably expect you to gush to your friends about my stunning physique (note: I sit in an office chair for 40 hours per week; lower your expectations) and refreshing worldview (deliciously misanthropic) without providing you a Zuckerberg-approved outlet for doing so. I think the most efficient path to larger readership lies in having you (yes, you) ‘follow’, ‘like’ and ‘share’ this thing into the consciousness of your friends, family and the other 97% of people with whom you are connected on social media (whose funerals you would not attend). But remember: if you’re going to become a champion of the cause and you happen to know my identity, I would appreciate if you didn’t overtly document the latter (because that would threaten the viability of this pursuit). Thanks kindly.

So there’s that:

We’re on twitter!
For the uninitiated, twitter is a forum for especially disposable communication, and the primary mechanism enabling famous people and average joes to get into figurative screaming matches. It also sometimes contains news, oversharing of mundane details from strangers’ lives, and a lot of other content revealing its creators to have too much time on their hands. If you ‘follow’, ‘like’ and ‘retweet’ stuff posted on behalf of this site, maybe one day I too can be on the receiving end of some anonymous virulent hatred (seems kind of fitting, doesn’t it?). A guy can dream.

So check it out: @wcpurgatory.

We’re on MySpace!
Not really, but I hope you enjoyed that video of a cat drinking water from a faucet.

But why??
I’ve covered the ‘what?’ of some of the ways in which you can support the growth of this blog, but you may (rightly) be more interested in the ‘why?’…

Aside from the matter of this site surviving, period, my sales pitch to you is made in the context of a basic transaction: value received for some form of remuneration. The ‘value’ component of that equation, as it relates to this site, is absolutely up for debate. (Actually, it’s not a debate – you just get to decide.) But let me be clear about something: as much as portions of what I write are diaristic, and most of it is autobiographical, this is not a diary. Though I might sometimes joke to this effect, my purpose is categorically not to vent as a means of lowering my blood pressure (I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that’s how that works). Sure, I enjoy writing, but this is not writing for its own sake.

This is satire. Whether I’m successful or not, everything you see is my attempt to produce content that is amusing and/or relatable. If I don’t succeed, then you stop reading and naturally offer nothing in exchange for this content. I’m perfectly comfortable with that. But if I do succeed in delivering something that you enjoy reading, then – by definition, kinda – you find some measure of value in it. And while I certainly can’t force you to offer anything in exchange for that, your choice to do so voluntarily will result in my being motivated to make sure there’s more where this came from. Yay, capitalism!

Besides, the thing that I’m asking for (your help in making others aware of what we’re up to in WCP) will also have the consequence of making those in your social circle perceive you to be at least 8% cooler. And you will always be able to hold over their head (in hipsterrific fashion) the fact that you were the reason they even became aware of this website. Win-win.

So I leave this in your capable hands. If you’re willing: subscribe, follow, like, share, retweet, phone a friend, send a postcard], laugh out loud, kiss a baby, and generally revel in the augmentation of your bathroom reading material. In the meantime, I will use these new platforms to make you aware when content is posted on WCP, and to make sure everyone knows how #blessed I feel after “a great night out with great friends”.


There. The time-out for self promotion is over with, thankfully. Whereas the faceless corporation is typically shameless about its marketing efforts, I am not. But like the faceless corporation, I recognize the activity as valuable. Without it, neither your employer nor I would exist to be able to continue offering all of the things that you so look forward to in white-collar purgatory: potlucks, bi-weekly staff meetings, scavenger hunts, expense reimbursement, Christmas bonuses, activity days, pre- and post-meeting meetings, assigned seating at social functions, office fundraisers and so much more.

And, really, what kind of existence would we be leading in the absence of those things?…

Don’t answer that.

4 thoughts on “Selling Out

  1. Wait, if I get 8% cooler, then I’ll be 108% cool? But … you can’t be more than 100% can you? I hear middle management promising to give 110% and I scoff. Silently, but I scoff. I don’t do the twitter of the face thing but I find you pretty damn funny and would be happy to reblog one of your posts so my 50 followers can be just as amused. I’ll even let you pick which one, because I’m generous like that! Let me know 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good point, but I was thinking more along the lines of ‘coolness’ being measured in some absolute, limitless capacity. Like if every person had a pile of baby teeth in proportion to how cool they were. (Now we finally have a use for all those discarded baby teeth out there. Brilliant.) Even if you have the largest pile already, that pile can still get 8% bigger. Sounds like you may have an embarrassment of riches on your hands. Own it.

      That is indeed a generous offer. I’d be thrilled to be exposed to your following. You might know best which of my posts is the right pick, so by all means please choose one. But if you insist on leaving it up to me, maybe the Coworker one is the most instantly relatable? I don’t really know… But thanks either way, and thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

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